Keys

When I go home I lock the door and fling the keys wherever.

When it is time to go out it takes me 5 minutes to get ready and 10 minutes to find the keys. In our frenzied and hectic lives, I think we do the same with our memories. We create different compartments in our minds and keep them filling unconsciously with various memories, experiences, events, and feelings. We lock these compartments and let them corrode. In our mechanical and chaotic life, it rarely happens that the memories are revived when we are relaxing. Just so that our life doesn’t become too impassive our mind, oblivious to us, hides the keys to all its compartments in distinct places. These keys take us instinctively to past memories. You might have experienced this…

A gentle breeze comes from somewhere and leaves by opening one of the compartments of our mind. And then the mind takes off and circles around the similar kind of breeze experienced in the past.

The mind also conceals some keys in various odors. The scent of the earth after the rain might take you to the woods of your hometown. One key is buried in the sense of touch. The touch of the blanket made from my mother’s Saree still makes me feel her warmth.

Sometimes the keys are in different sounds. If we listen to even the sound of a swirling sea then the next moment we might find ourselves lying on the beaches or spinning in the waves of Konkan / Goa (might be Hawaii for you). At times you listen to a familiar song and immediately remember the memory of yourself dancing in a concert.

And at times the keys are masked in various names. If you read/ hear one of it then it instantly opens the locks and fetches the memories related to it – pleasant, ghastly, wounding, insulting, gracious…

One of the names may perhaps embrace the ‘master key’ and it stirs up all the memories.

And in the middle of all this suddenly we become conscious of reality. We grab our running mind, gather the cluttered memories, lock them in the compartments and fling the keys!

9 books that stayed with me. 4

4. Selfish Gene

As a kid I had innumerable questions for my parents, why is there life? Why does the world exist? What is God? If God created us then who created God? Why do you worship these idols? I did not feel even an ounce of faith and was made to be part of worships, prayers, and whatnot. When I expressed that I do not think that the idols people worship exist or ever existed - I was warned that bad things happen to people who say such things. After hearing that I did not create a scene ever again because I was afraid.

I was afraid that I was the ignorant one and maybe there is truth to what everyone around me believes and follows, whenever something bad happened to me I felt guilty that it happened because I do not believe in God. Fear tactics. It was a frustrating phase for me.

Richard Dawkins is the man who helped me understand that it is perfectly normal to question the existence of a creator. I can not thank him enough for pulling me out of my quandary and feeding me with all that easy to understand knowledge. And I have to thank my brother too who introduced me to books by Dawkins.

Today I am a non-closeted atheist who is not afraid of any fear tactics. People are killed in the name of God/ religion more than any natural calamities.

And then started the phase of reading loads of science books - I read all books by Richard Dawkins and by many more scientists. Brief history of time, Short History of Nearly Everything, Mapping human history, The Sun’s heartbeat, The blind watchmaker, The magic of reality, The ancestor's tale, Universe from nothing: why is there something rather than nothing, Pale blue dot, Demon-haunted world, Physics of the impossible, The elegant universe, Why does the world exist, The god delusion, Death by a black hole, Astrophysics for People in a hurry… are all great books.

9 books that stayed with me. 3

3. Cheaper by the dozen

I was asked in an interview at my first job, which book influenced you the most? And this was the book I said influenced me the most and the weird thing is even after reading so many books from then and now this book still remains the one that has influenced me the most. 

It is a true story of Frank Gilbreth who brought the idea of time management into industries, he was a time and motion expert. He always thought of a more efficient process that can be followed to take care of any given task or chore, be at work or at home. He also brought the idea of parallel tasking in industries.

For example, Gilbreth used to play German language learning cassettes when his youngest kid (who would be 4 at the time) took shower, that would be 15 minutes every day and by the time the kid was 16, he was fluent in German without spending any extra minute over it.

Till today I try to form an efficient process for everything that I do and parallel task all the time. I can not work in an atmosphere where availability is more important than efficiency. 

Anyway, the book is called Cheaper by the dozen because Frank had a dozen kids. Frank was asked in an interview ‘what you do with so much time that you save by doing everything efficiently and faster?’ He said in that time I do things that I like, drink wine and listen to music (and apparently make kids too ;-) ).

If it was not for this book then I would never have been able to do the 100 things that I want to achieve every day.

Five Life Lessons

Five life lessons that I have learned -

1) You can not please everyone.

Personally, I have seen that people have bizarre expectations. A lot of people are hypocrites and someone or the other will always get offended by what you do. Might as well do what makes you feel comfortable, happy and healthy.

2) Actions speak louder than words.

If there is something you wish to do, then do it first and talk about it later. Its always more fun listening to real-stories than the imaginary ones.

3) Life is short.

Great if you are adventurous and into daredevil sports but do not risk others lives because they might not recover from it. Ever! And if you are forced into doing something that you don't feel comfortable doing or don't have the nerve for then be strong enough to say no, doesn't matter if they call you a coward - I have experienced this firsthand, I broke my tailbone just because someone forced me to skate, it took me more than a year to heal from the injury, I had to take painkillers for one whole year otherwise the pain left me in tears each night. I didn't need to skate to show I wasn't a coward, I just needed to trust my intuition and should have said 'go to hell' (or whatever words I use when I am angry) - being aggressive/ vocal and upfront about what we want and do not want to do is much more courageous. Life is short. Do not make it shorter by being foolish.

The above does not apply just for adventures but anything in general. Remember you are an independent person, free citizen of a free nation. You alone are responsible for your health, well being, mental well being, people you want to hang out with or any decisions that you make. People will try to use bad-harsh-unpleasant words, thinking you will be manipulated that way. Let people bark. It doesn't matter. Trust your intuition. Stand up for yourself and if it comes to that then yell, scream make sure that you are heard and there are boundaries that people do not dare to cross.

4) Financial Independence is important.

Until you are dependent upon someone else for your 'survival', you will never truly be your own person.

5) Happiness is a choice.

And that means one needs to choose what we do in our lives, with our time, who do we hang out with, the kind of lifestyle we live - it is all a choice, happiness is a choice.

Freedom

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose - and commit myself to - what is best for me.”

-Paulo Coelho.

Motherhood

How consumed are you in motherhood? Are your kids the best part of your life? Do you feel complete as a woman because you have kids? Are your profile pictures/ status updates/ conversation topics/ small talks/ thoughts/ dreams everything of and about your kids?

I don't understand why anyone would think that way. Life is so BIG. So vast. There are endless possibilities for self-discovery. I hope people explore them all. Kids can remain a beautiful part of life, but not the sole happiness. One needs to feel complete without kids/ or for that matter without a partner.

I hope motherhood doesn't put any brakes on your quest for life but accelerates it.

My 2 cents: There are some who think there is nothing as important for women as wanting to be mothers. Such glorification of motherhood also means if you can’t or don’t wish to have any children there must be something wrong with you. Having children can be one aspect of life but it isn't the whole life. It's okay if you want to have them and it's okay if you don't. Motherhood does not complete you, you are complete even without it.

Sandals: Etienne Aigner, Sweater: Loft, Top: Tommy Hilfiger Factory, Jeans: 7 For All Mankind

Fashion 1 0 1: Part 2

Part 1.

The maximum number of clothing items that I ever bought in one single year was 10  (clothing items include work clothes/ nightdress/ socks/ undergarments/ scarves/ gym clothes etc). And there have been years that I didn’t buy a single clothing item, the max I have gone without shopping is 3 years - from 2012 to 2015. 2019/2020/2021 are going to be my shopping ban years too. I can create loads of combinations with the quality products that I already have and it gives me a feeling that I am wearing something new every day. The clothing items that you see on this blog are accrued over a period of 15+ years.

And why am I telling you this? I am coming to that.

To be continued...






Tights: Target, Shoes: Steve Madden, Skirt: J Crew, Top: Loft, Sweater: J crew factory

Women: 5. The Royals

This is the five-part in the series. Part 1. Part 2. Part 3,Part 4.

The Royals

A relative of mine, age 27, has a master degree, got a job three years ago, earns well (most of the software people do), he is very intelligent, soft-spoken, looks great and is a fantastic photographer. He is brought up by a single parent (his mother had to start from scratch when his father left within 2-3 years of marriage), he is not born with a silver spoon.

He is looking for a bride on matrimonial sites and has been rejected over and over again. Reason? Indian girls want this very well settled man who has a house, a car, and a bank balance.

A house in Pune (after just 3 years of a job) is not a joke, especially for people who build everything on their own (he lives with his mother currently). So anyway, I told him to ask the girls the same question - 'Are you well settled? do you have a house, a car, and a bank balance? If not then what makes you think that a boy the same age as yours and with the same number of years of experience as yours will have everything?

Here is my thought - if you want all this then why not earn it yourself, why depend on a man?

I feel this attitude of women is as much wrong as men asking for dowry. I agree that one needs to see that the boy is educated, has a good heart and whatnot but expecting that the man would have bought a house, a car and everything within just a few years of experience is WRONG, especially if you yourself haven't earned that much!

Look at the potential in the boy, would he be able to support and share as much as you (and not just financially but in taking care of household chores too). And then you would be able to build everything together. Do not expect everything to be served on a platter. It is wrong to put men under so much pressure based on (idiotic) gender roles.

Many women expect their husband/father to shower them with presents, like on the occasions of Rakshabandhan, Paadava, Bhaubiz, Diwali, and whatnot, a woman prays the man for her protection and in turn gets a gift, I don't understand these kinds of rituals, I find them very stupid and so I don't follow them. I don't need gifts...I earn them myself. Be capable enough to buy gifts for yourselves, be able to protect yourself! We say we want the equality of the sexes but a certain segment of women in society wish to be treated like royalty by men all the time...

On a side note, some women find these rich husbands and get bogged down by luxuries. Does a day come when they realize that they never took a step to find their own identity and now it is too late?

We, myself included, need to introspect and be the change we want to see in the society. Do not quit your job/business/passion, not for anyone, make your own money, save, enough to cover all your expenses for at least 6 months, for the worst-case scenario, take a break if you want to (men do that too) but work again, treat men equal to you, pay half the bill on your date, open the door for them, don't expect them to spend their hard-earned money on you - be capable of earning and then spending...

Skirt: Modcloth, Tights: Target, Shoes: Steve Madden, Top: Loft, Sweater: Modcloth

Women: 4. The Mom

This is the fourth part of the series. Earlier parts - Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

The Mom

The ones who leave their jobs to take care of their kids. ***Every case is different, there are situations in some families when the best solution is not to have both parents working full time, in that case, ignore my further comments.

I have a problem with the assumption that only moms have to leave their job for taking care of kids, it could be men too, why not? Only moms go on six-month maternity leave. Why? All companies need to revise their paternity leave policy. It HAS to be equal. From what I hear Microsoft and Amazon do have (about) equal maternity and paternity leaves.

One of the most important things parents strive for is to model for kids the adults we hope they will become. Parents with daughters tell them to work hard in school and strive for a meaningful career. Sons are told the same, the girls who sit beside them in the classroom are their equals in every way. But if you are a housewife then what happens when that does not square with what your kids see at home? When speaking to your daughters about the importance of focusing on a career and striving for professional success, does a credibility gap open up?

You could tell yourself that your kids will be better off cared for only by you, but there is no research that bears that out, and while there are times that intense parental engagement is needed, working parents are able to achieve that, too. It is a myth that only stay-at-home moms take the best care of their kids or have the time to instill the right values. I have seen brilliant achievers even though they have had both their parents working. Although one may think that for any individual woman staying at home might lead to less stress, more happiness, and a better situation for her family, studies confirm that there is more boredom and depression.

When kids go to daycare, they learn social skills and they also get an early start in learning alphabets, being independent, eating with their own hands and whatnot. And the kids of working women develop a respect for the women kind - again my opinion.  Also remember, women working for pay makes it easier for families to live more comfortably. The sooner women realize that they don't need to sacrifice, they can always get help and make the men own up to their share of equal responsibility, the faster our society will progress.

Recently a famous sportsperson Saniya Mirza gave birth and said it to be the biggest achievement of her life. How can it be her biggest achievement?  How many women from India have made it big in sports? Also, have you seen the population of the world? Childbirth is the most natural, common and rampant thing and her calling it the biggest achievement of her life sounds bizarre to me. 

Coming up in the next post 'The Royals', which is an interesting category of women, the extreme cases are called 'golddiggers'. 

To be continued...

Skirt and Sweater: Modcloth, Tights: DSW, Shoes: Steve Madden, Tee: Loft

Women: 2. The Housewife

This is the second part of the series. Earlier part - Part 1.

The Housewife

You have decided to be a housewife, okay, that is fine, but that does not mean it is something to be glorified. Just so you know I would have had the same opinion even if I was a 'housewife'. Someone sent me a forward that idolized the housewife, how she keeps the house clean, cooks and when her husband comes home all tired she welcomes him with a smile... something of that sort... you get the gist. If doing all this is making you happy, good for you! but again please don't glorify it.

From what I have seen women who go out and about, work in the real world are dealing with more prolific issues than if my bathroom sink looks spotless, they are facing more challenges, they are managing things better, most of them have their own share of responsibilities on the home front which they manage well too.

There are so many women out there that I have seen who manage a job, household chores, kids, exercise along with their hobbies. Just the other day one of my friends, working girl with kids, told me she wakes up at 4:30 every day to be able to achieve all of the above.

To be continued...

Jeans: American Eagle, Tee: Loft, Vegan (faux) Leather Jacket: Blank NYC, Shoes: Nine West

Mulling Over Marriages...

For over thousands and thousands of years, two absolute strangers used to get married (this is still happening in many parts of the world) and many today out of love take the decision to become part of each others' happiness and troubles. When you look at a couple interact with each other you will know if they mend and blend with each other, if they were so to say 'made for each other' or 'made to be without each other'. Cheesy... but true.

When I look at some married couples I wonder how are these people still together... One of them is positive, happy, full of life and the other one is negative, hurtful - mentally/emotionally/physically, or is simply toxic. How does one live around this kind of person 24/7? You can see that the other person would have been so much happy without her/his partner. Isn't it easier to live independently than to be living in a toxic marriage? Is divorce such a big deal in such scenarios? Some people stay on... for the sake of kids... I don't know how does it help the kids to be living with parents who don't get along, who are unhappy and who are living independent lives under one roof.

If people from this scenario get divorced then great... happiness is a choice and you made it.

And then there are some who get divorced... way too casually. Within two months of married life, they get divorced saying 'oh he watches too much TV'. Okay!!! but you were in a relationship for 5 years and out of them 2 years in a live-in relationship, you didn't realize it at that time? How can a person be just right for you for such a long time and then within two months you realize he is all wrong? Getting divorced for lame reasons without trying to make it work is also quite lame (I feel), never enter a marriage thinking you can ignore the behaviors now and change them later, because how would that work? Would you change your habits just because you signed a document?

The third scenario is where the couple just gets along without too many efforts, they fit like a jig-saw puzzle, their fights are quite a scene to watch too, they argue and next minute they are again best friends as if the argument never happened. They ignore the tiny ripples and move on. It is quite amazing to see such couples and how closely they get involved and how everything about their lives get intertwined with each other. Their finances, professional decisions, inter-personal relationships which once, were independent of each other, get practically woven together... so tightly that the threads can barely even be seen! I find it quite an endearing phenomenon especially since human beings are essentially selfish so how do their pain and suffering unite with this one person? And then they spend the rest of their lives trying to make each other's life a little easier, happier and fuller! 

Top: Loft, Shorts: American Eagle, Shoes: Beach sandals by American Eagle

Do not...

Do not ask your daughters to help in household work while the son sits in front of the television.

Do not tell your daughter she cannot go out past sun-set while the boy is not back home even at dawn.

Do not tell your daughter that learning to cook is more important than making a career. 

Top: Loft, Crop: American Eagle, Shoes: Tommy Hilfiger

Homesick...

Do you ever feel homesick? The feeling is quite traumatic, I get a heavy heart as if my chest is not able to contain the heart within. Then I get engulfed in the turbulence of thoughts... Yes, I am homesick... 

... I miss home and I also miss the past. 

I miss those days which cannot possibly come back. 

But that doesn't stop me from wanting them back.

I wish it was possible to go back to those relationships which were purely based on the fact

that we shared the common classroom, and nothing else.

Or where having common interests meant we were going to be best friends forever.

I miss those carefree days of college and the days when everyone elder to me doted upon me for absolutely no reason.

Today is one such day when I am homesick and past-sick.

Sweater: Promod (India), Jegging: American Eagle, Shoes: Nine West, Tee: Loft

Where you came from...

Knowing where you came from is no less important than knowing where you are going.

2 combos:

Jeans: American Eagle, Top: Loft, Shoes: Etienner Aigner

 

Skirt: Gap, Top: Loft, Shoes: Etienne Aigner

Blood is thicker than water...

I have had some amazing friends, that I am still friends with. They helped me to be the person that I am today. Be it happiness or sadness I still feel comfortable sharing stuff with them. I remember the day when I moved to Seattle, I did not cry leaving my mother but I cried when my best friend (sakhi as I call her) showed up.

But then the bestest of my friends have been my cousins and relatives my age, I get along with them even better than my non-family best friends. There is this instant connection, belongingness, and care when one hears that we are a 'family'. Yes, this post is about family.

If I look back at my life I have been the closest to my family members, I can not stand a single word against any of my family members. If and when I have been through the darkest phases then it is the family who has helped me the most. Same goes for me - if anything had to happen to any of my family member I would want to drop everything and be of help. I am glad that I have a sane family who understands and cares for each other.

There is some weird type of families, like, four brothers living on four floors and yet no one talks to each other, fighting over an estate that the parents left for them, like the vultures fighting over dead bodies.

There are gossiping families, the ones who gossip about every family member in their absence and are not loyal to each other. All they have for each other is disrespect. It is not surprising that such families do not stick together. They fight/ quarrel/ yell/ scream/ gossip or try to control and demean others.

And yet I feel that if something drastic had to happen in one's life, say cancer, then it is the family that would come for help, doesn't matter what the past equation has been.

There comes a phase in life when you love your friends more than your relatives or family, but then eventually one realizes that it is not about likes or dislikes or whom you want to go watch movies or party with, it is about  - for whom does your heartache when you see them in trouble? For whom can you not stand a single word against? Who would drop everything and be with you if you had been in a bad accident? I bet most of the names would be your family members, isn't it?

And that's why they say 'blood is thicker than water'.

2 combos:

Short: American Eagle, Top: Loft, Shoes: Converse

Shoes: Tommy Hilfiger, Top: Loft, Short: American Eagle

What the health: Part 7 - Reasons you are not losing weight

This is part 7 of 'What the health' series. You can find earlier parts here - part1, part2, part3, part4,  part 5, part 6

1 - You are in denial

One day I went on a hike with a hiker friend, this was the year when I weighed a lot - 170 pounds to be specific. After finishing the excruciating hike we stopped at a restaurant for dinner. She ordered a plate of idli sambhar and I ordered a dosa, which is the longest dosa I have ever seen, I could eat only 25% of it.

During dinner, the hiker said "people are lucky to have good genetics and metabolism - they eat anything and still don't put on weight. I hardly eat anything, I do these strenuous hikes and still put on weight".

While she said this she finished the food that she had ordered and the 75% of dosa that was left on my plate.

We think we are doing everything right - we are eating right, exercising - even if it is one excruciating hike once in a while, and everyone who is in shape is just lucky. Do not conveniently ignore and forget that 75% extra that we are consuming.

From this incident I learned, I was in denial too.  I sat - analyzed and found so many things that I needed to change (mid-night snacking anyone?). I needed to take control of my health than it controlling me.

If today I am in shape or feeling light and right - it is not because of luck- it is because I came out of denial - I changed my entire lifestyle (from diet, exercise, sleep, habits, organization-prioritization skills to managing stress) - and obviously I had to put in efforts to do so. Do not be in denial and say that you are doing everything right, take an objective look at what you are doing wrong and try to fix it.

2. You are finding lame excuses

Do not blame being fat or unhealthy on genetics, metabolism or horoscopes!

A list of lame excuses is covered in earlier parts. or you can find it here

to be continued ...

Skirt: Gap (12 years old)

Top: Loft (8 years old)

Shoes: Impo (4 years old)

What the health: Part 3 - Excuses we use for not losing weight(continued)

(part1, part2)

4. I don't have money for a gym or personal trainer

:-)

I have seen people spending loads of money on material things, brands, jewelry, 100 shoes/purses, and whatnot but when it comes to taking care of their own body they say 'it costs too much'.

Here is blunt advice - I would suggest stop buying jewelry - it won't make you look or feel good as much as a fit body would - spend the money on joining a gym. There are so many free options to workout too - go hiking, biking, there are innumerable exercise videos online, play music and dance your heart out, don't forget yoga - you can do it anywhere and anytime.

5. I love food a lot, in general

Great. Who doesn't? But you don't have to eat it all in one meal, do you? People eat in such quantities as if they are coming straight out of a famine and are not going to get next meal on their plate, remember there is always the next time, also remember that food stays in your mouth only for a few seconds and inside your stomach for very long, don’t give in for momentary pleasures, the high of having a fit body is way too long-lasting.

Do not eat according to the health of your wallet! Wealthier that the wallets get unhealthier the food habits become. If I may say so - eat a poor man's diet and by that, I don't mean American poor man's diet - I mean Indian poor man's diet - it is simple and easy to digest.

6. My weight problems are genetic

No, they are not, and I am not saying this - scientific research is. It is just too convenient to blame it on genetics.

To be continued…

Skirt: Ann Taylor (also worn here)

Top: Loft

Shoes: Steve Madden

Innerwear!

Buy yourself some decent innerwear. Victoria Secrets is overrated and overpriced, have you tried Soma Intimates yet?

I personally do not like transparent tops/skirts/dresses so I use slips, slips are not for grannies - they will make your clothes flow. Here are some good options - camisole, slip, skirt slip.

Replace your innerwear if it doesn't fit you, has holes, has lost elasticity, they are uncomfortable or don't have the same shape and honestly just replace it if you have used it for more than a year.

Shoes: Blondo

Jeans: Abercrombie and Fitch

Top: Loft

Sweater: J crew factory

April 2016: Book Reviews

Shorts: American Eagle

Top: Loft (also worn HERE)

Sandals: Tommy Hilfiger

My new post April 2016: Book Reviews is available HERE

Endless possibilities

What I want to provide on this blog are the endless possibilities of recipes that can be put together with just a few ingredients in the closet.

Dress: Promod, India

cardigan: nordstrom rack

shoes: Ellen Tracy

tights: loft